The strong one. That is what many women are considered in their families and friend groups. The Strong One, the Rock, the Heartbeat, the Scaffolding which cannot collapse. If you do, who will hold up those who rely on you to fix, comfort, and overthink. What happens when the strong one needs to crumble? The emotional caretaker may only be allowed a day or an hour or maybe a few minutes of self-reflection before needing to rebound and resolve for others.
When others expect us to be unshakeable, we deny ourselves the opportunity to get in touch with ourselves. As emotional caretakers we are not afforded a chance to sit with emotions that take time to process. Painful issues can be multilayered, complex and require more reflection. But when we take on others’ pain and attempt to repair and shift burdens from theirs to yours, we miss our own process. We miss grief. We miss questioning. We miss doubt. We miss confusion. We miss frustration. We miss sadness. We miss the things that make us who we are and in time the misses amount to losses. We burnout, losing ourselves as we deny our emotions. When we set aside ourselves we dismiss the purpose, the growth and resilience that comes out of pain. We end up feeling stuck when we don’t make time for ourselves or when we own problems that do not belong to us.
I speak about self care quite a bit in sessions. My version of self care doesn’t necessarily include behavioral modifications like taking bubble baths or going on a walk. My version of self care is a raw investigation of where and what boundaries need to be set. It becomes an opportunity to try on new styles of being in a place that is safe and confidential. What might it be like to remain caring yet removed? What might happen if I ask for a moment alone? Can I remain outside of the problem solving process? How do I ask for privacy so that I can express my own emotions? Should I ask someone to just listen to me?
Perhaps we cannot put up the boundaries we wish we could, but we step a little closer and give ourselves an opportunity to see what might work, see what is possible. Therapy for caretakers will help you get a little more comfortable with making others uncomfortable. I say that because when we set boundaries, we can experience various levels of push back from those for whom we overfunction. They may feel as though you are not prioritizing them, do not care about them or are selfish. It is uncharted territory and avoidance has been the compass.
This is not unusual; others’ resistance to boundaries and negative reactions actually make sense. When you stop fixing and start feeling, others are tasked with learning to be responsible for their own emotions. You get free of the role of emotional caretaker, consultant or advice giver. You get to advocate for yourself and remind others that your feelings are just as real and valid as theirs. Or you can say that your role isn’t to pick up their burdens, examine and fix them. Yours is to support them as they do that for themselves. You can help but your emotional investment doesn’t have to outweigh theirs.
